Cracks
by Atheniandream
Summary: 'There were cracks before the walls were even built...' Stand Alone Story, but could tag onto end of 'Home' my previous fic. Harvey/Donna & Jessica SPOILERS FOR BREAK POINT.


A LITTLE SPECULATION INTO THE PAST OF HARVEY AND DONNA, TOTALLY SPEC.

Could be seen as a part of the 'HOME' Story, as a series, only due to reference. Break Point Spoilers.

SPOILERS

X

X

**Cracks **By Atheniandream

When it first started they had been so much younger. She was bouncy and devious, and he was direct and unyielding. But 3 months back at Pearson Hardman he'd almost lost a case, spent a half hour being lectured by Jessica on the ethics of risk taking and how losing that badly would have made the firm look. What had made it worse was that he'd just been made senior associate, and he'd been so furious that she'd ripped him a new one and so embarrassed that it had gone around the firm that he had walked out, and she had followed soon after.

She should have known then, after way too much single malt that reckless behaviour would come next. She should have known by the second bar and the long cold walk to the third. And she should have known when he'd offered for them to share a cab that they would have ended up at one location. So many check points for her moral compass to do a one-eighty, and yet at no point did it show any signs of going any other way then the way he chose for them.

Her brain had been hazy, and she'd woken up in his bed with a jolt and a sharp hangover, seeing him laid there next to her, she'd skirted out of there without a second's notice. At work she'd played everything as if nothing had happened, and he'd silently complied.

The second time, she'd met him by accident, in the local bar after swinging a particularly bad date; he'd been brooding and she was concerned for his welfare. She stayed to console him and ended up offering more than a shoulder to cry on. She'd swiftly exited his apartment a second time, and told herself that it was fine, that they'd done it before, they could continue at work together as if nothing had happened.

A year passed, and every time, every single time they would wind up at his. Every time she would ignore the notion of the other women that might have slept in his sheets that week, as he sucked on her ear and she raked her hands down his back. And every morning she would flee, just in time to be there before him at work, papers on his desk, casual coffee on the side.

He was a gentleman. He never mentioned what they got up to. If anything, he maintained an almost professional manner in the face of co-workers and clients, a poker face that he had become renowned for, and she'd followed suit. It was this quiet understanding that she honoured, as well as taking pride in her work, but the moment he showed any sign of duress or breaking point she was always there.

And then the shit hit.

X

X

She'd been in his office, laying down a fan of paperwork onto his desk when 'the big Boss' Jessica Pearson had walked through the door.

"Harvey's gone for the day." She uttered on autopilot. It wasn't often that Donna spoke to Jessica, but when she was spoken to directly she had no problem holding her own. After all she'd learnt that in the DA's office. Being weak only made you a target and often being bold and finite were the best policy for someone like her.

"Donna, could you come to my office?" The managing Partner replied coolly. It was a rhetorical question, more of a command.

She quietly nodded, placing the files down, and slowly followed down the hall. When she met her at her door, the woman was waiting outside and silently gestured towards a chair before coming to sit at her desk.

"Donna, firstly I want to thank you for your hard work, it hasn't gone unnoticed over the past year. You're shaping up to be a real asset to the firm."

"Thank you. I try."

"I know that Harvey is very appreciative of the work that you do here. He says you're irreplaceable as his assistant."

"Wow, I uh," She hesitated. "He's not exactly forthcoming with praise, but I enjoy working for him very much."

"You make a great team." She stated.

Something about her tone seemed off somehow, lingering and an unsaid question hung on the edge. Donna shifted in her seat, rearranging her skirt.

"I'm sure you're aware of how much I've invested in Harvey. He has a lot of potential."

"Yes, he's always been thankful of the chances you've given him." Insisted Donna.

"You're very kind,"

A silent moment hung in the air, as she felt the women's eyes sharpen on hers for a second, a measuring gaze that was starting to make her feel uncomfortable. She stared back, trying to appear open and unaffected by the intensity of the woman's gaze.

"You're going to have to stop sleeping with him."

Donna felt like she'd been winded.

"Don't get me wrong, Miss Paulsen, I'm impressed with your work, you're a good match for Harvey... at work. And at this moment it has no bearing on your reputation. However, Harvey can't afford this kind of situation to side track his career path in this firm. I've backed Harvey for a very long time, and I'm afraid I can't allow you two to continue."

"I…"

She didn't know what to say. They had so far been so careful, so discrete and she drawn lines around every situation, examining every weak spot. No staying at his, no letting him come to hers, no emotion at work, no overt flirting and always, always focus firmly on the work. Always work first.

"You understand that I'm coming to you about this and not Harvey. You and I both know that when Harvey wants something he'll fight tooth and nail for it. He's stubborn, but sometimes he doesn't get the big picture, and whether you're being smart about it, which I'm sure you are - you're a smart woman - it's not an option I want you to explore from the moment you leave this office. It has to stop now. Do you understand?" The edge in the woman's voice left no room for debate.

The line had been drawn in bright blood red marker around Harvey Specter.

"…Yes. I understand. Thank you." She managed a congenial tone.

The woman eyed her desk, a gesture for her to leave. She had a way of pointing out when you weren't needed in her presence and Donna wasn't one to be slow on the uptake. She rose from the chair and smiled curtly before walking out of the room as professional as was possible, ignoring any associates that may have passed by before reaching her own desk. Her stomach was turning over sideways as she sat down in her chair, gripping the armrests under the cover of her cubical wall as she took one long lingering breath.

_She knew. She'd known for a while…But how?_

If Harvey hadn't told Jessica, then she knew that he hadn't told anyone. And if he hadn't said anything and she hadn't said anything then how was anyone to know? The idea that Jessica Pearson was omniscient dragged in her mind, before she cut the thought completely.

After counting to ten, she switched off her computer, grabbed her purse and walked to the elevator suddenly feeling very claustrophobic.

She thanked fuck it was Friday.

X

X

The following week, it felt as if two pairs of eyes were on her, one pair from a distance, observing, making sure and as a result another pair occasionally glanced at her from ten feet away every time he didn't have a question or a job for her. She'd made a solid pact with herself never to discuss the matter with Harvey because she didn't want it to harm his very clear pathway in the firm. And truth be told she loved her job, self-preservation was always going to be a factor. She knew that if he ever found out about the conversation, the instant she said anything to him, he'd have something to say to Jessica, and that wouldn't make him look good at all. He already had a habit of going toe-to-toe with people and pushing buttons so adding that situation to the mix would only push the markers further. So, she kept to herself and went about her job as usual, praying that he didn't push against the silent wall she had started to build brick by brick.

X

X

It had to take his brother being in the hospital for a moment to challenge her resolve.

She'd been at home on a Saturday night, quietly resting her head after a night out with Rachel, the newest member of the paralegal team, when a knock had rapped on her door. She was in her pyjamas. Pulling the door to, it surprised her to find him on the other side at this time of the night.

"Harvey. What's wrong?"

She'd expected him to be at the hospital since she'd given over the details and he'd swiftly left work that Friday evening without a word.

"Hey." His eyes were red, but he was otherwise pristine, and in a suit on a weekend. _Did this man own Jeans? Did he know about them as a fashion concept?_ He didn't cry, so she reasoned he must have been drinking. This was a problem. She didn't have a habit of welcoming him into her home, but he was her Boss and she'd been in his bed more times than…she felt the guilt rise in her throat as she tried to stand firm on the oncoming decision forming in her head.

"Harvey, you should go home," Her voice was soft, and warm. She knew the man needed something that she wasn't allowed by order to give him.

"You're…Home." He said simply, his eyes dark and his gaze firmly on her as he closed the inches between them.

She wasn't sure if she didn't understand or understood clearly what he was implying. Quashing the flip in her stomach she continued. "Harvey, I know you're upset, and you've had a really crappy weekend. But you should go."

He was now close enough that she could smell just how much alcohol he'd had, his breath sweet and lingering as his eyes looked down into what felt like the huge gaping secret she was keeping.

"I want to stay here tonight." He said, wobbling ever so slightly.

It was so small a movement, that anyone else would have missed it. In a second she reacted, steadying him with her hands on his shoulders. The wall in her head cracked a little. Her hands moved to the lapels on his suit jacket, hands flattening out against his chest as he leaned into them. He bowed his head for a second and it was all it took for her hands to come around his neck and crush her body into his.

Suddenly time seemed to speed as his mouth found her neck, hot and wet, his hands pushing her by the waist, and it was just enough to completely destroy her.

If he told her that he loved her again, she would ignore it. Put it down to drink and desperation and tell him so if she had to.

X

X

The morning came, the only difference was that she couldn't escape him this time, he was in her apartment. The harsh light of day was staring, blaring at her in the face.

It had two eyes and hair that still hadn't moved an inch.

She could hear him thinking. And she was pretty sure they were both still naked, a situation she had avoided since the beginning. Him. Her bed. Prolonged nudity. She tightened the cover around herself praying that he didn't move.

"Morning," He said, half smile playing his face.

"Hey, drunk guy in my bed. How you feeling? Light sensitive? Nauseous?" She couldn't keep the sarcasm from fashioning her voice into a rather accusatory tone.

"You're comedian, you know that?" He answered. She swore she could feel him gently pulling the covers away from her as he spoke. _Professional Antagonist..._

"I have to go to the bathroom." She said, pulling the comforter over the bed sheet, she quickly sashayed to a stand completely covering herself from head to toe in flowery orange material in time to avoid him making what he thought would be an amusing grab for her. "I'll be right back." She said, ignoring the amused expression on his face.

She silently screamed at the mirror. This was the exact opposite of how it should have gone. She should have stood firm, but the man was vulnerable last night and she couldn't shake the nagging need to wrap him up in a safety blanket.

Jessica's words came back loud and clear in her head.

When she exited the bathroom in her dressing gown, sans orange comforter, he'd gotten dressed. She was thankful to the gods and only more resolute about her course of action.

"You have to go."

"I have to go?"

"Yes."

"Why the rush, you got church?"

"Ha, not funny. No, seriously I'm sorry but you have to go. I have…plans."

"What plans? What would you possibly have to do on a Sunday. There are no plans on a Sunday."

She feared he would see through her suddenly insistent need for him to go as something that he'd done wrong. She would have to lie, and be good. In the past she was a good liar, maybe even a great liar, but she had never once in their time working together lied to him. This would take accurate detail.

"I'm seeing someone. I've been…seeing someone,"

"What?"

"On and Off." She let the notion that she was talking about him fly into her head. "I'm sorry."

"What about...?"

"Last night? It was a slip."

His eyebrow rose to reply something that she was sure would hold some innuendo, but she interrupted before he could speak. "Mistake! A mistake. It was a mistake." She couldn't hold any stronger on the word.

"Oh." Was all he said.

He saw women all the time. It was just something he did. She'd never questioned it and he never offered information on any of them. But she'd never let him know about anyone she may have dated and she'd acknowledge the double standard there a long time ago.

"I like him Harvey…a lot. So we can't…you know…"

"I got it." He replied, curt and hard as a razor, his posture straightening.

"...Anymore." She pleaded, eyes stinging but refusing to show as even the slightest fraction of upset.

She tried not to let the niggle that played in her stomach when his expression hardened even more so.

"Donna, I got it. I, better…" He turned, about to leave, when she intercepted.

"I know, look, Harvey?" He stopped by the tone of her voice alone. "I don't want this to affect us at work." She warned. "I-LOVE-my-job. Working for you."

For a second his brain clicked, reading every word and seeming to see more into it, more than she'd hoped or even considered until his face softened just enough to take her face with one hand, kissing her on the cheek, before picking up his coat.

She waited to hear familiar lock on the door close, feeling her heart sink soon after.

And there she swore by her or Jessica's hand, he would make Partner one day. That was all she could give him.

She let her head collapse in her hands.

She needed to find a boyfriend... and fast.

X

X

X

It takes a moment like this, when she's sat in her apartment, no job, no man, nothing but the dull hum of New York traffic outside that she finally lets the past ghosts settle. The choices, both good and bad, the things she chose herself, and things that she was made to follow.

Out of all of the things she's done in the last 12 years, she doesn't regret a single second.

Not even destroying the memo. It was just the symptom of a bigger problem.

There were already cracks before the walls she built.

X

X

X

'_Don't be so hard on yourself,_

_Those tears are for someone else, _

_I hear you voice on the phone, _

_I hear you feel so alone.' – 'Don't Cry', Seal_

X

X

X

Thankyou for Reading. And for Reviews in General: Always feed the kitty :)


End file.
